Pronoun.

"It hurts. But at least I know that I have heart. That's a relief. I'll wait. I'll wait for you though you might not aware about it. So be it, if it's my destiny."

So this is my first post for this month and accidentally it's on June, 8th. So what's the connection? I'll get to you later on this.


I have this one problem. I donno/ feel awkward/ hesitate in using the right pronoun with certain person. 


I hate to be in this circumstance for I don't know the right pronoun to be picked. I'm confused either to use aku /saya/ana/i/ or any other subject pronoun.


I'm that type of person who don't favor to use the word 'awak'. I don't know why. I just feel something's not right if I utter that word. But I'm doing fine using the word 'saya'.


So bila rasa macam okay guna 'saya', mesti pair dia adalah 'awak'. Takkan 'saya' pair dengan 'kau' pulak kan? Ngahahaha


Kalau nak guna 'kau', mesti pair dengan 'aku'. But, it is so not me to ber kau-aku with these very-rare-I-talk-with people. Sounds so not proper. 


So I end up using English language. Easy. There's no option to be choose. There's only I and you. There's no saya-awak, aku-kau, ana-anti, kite-anda(this one is funny) and etc.


But of course. This is not the solution though. Why? Here's the story.


Last semester, I was assigned to do some work with a group of seniors. For the sister seniors, easy, I'll use the word 'saya' and just the word 'Kak' for them. Problem was when it comes to brother seniors. 


When doing work in a team, we have to communicate with them in real life and also in virtual life (text, facebook and etc).


Kalau in real life, boleh lagi nak avoid guna saya/aku tuh. Tapi cuba imagine bila nak reply text. Acano tuh? 


Bila dah serabut malas nak fikir which suitable pronoun to be pick, I text them in english. Problem solved!


But, just after the work had settled, a friend of mine, Opie asked me.


" You know what, this one senior asked me something about you yesterday."
" And what is that?"
" He asked me, mysarah tu memang selalu speaking ke?"


Ohmygingerrrrrr, apa yang tengah berlaku ni?! Duniaku tiba² menjadi kelam. See what people had thought about me?


Bila masa aku selalu speaking woiii. Grammar pon terabur bersepai. Aku text pakai bahse Inggeris sebab taktahu nak guna pronoun apa. Takkan nak guna 'aku'. For me, 'aku' ni untuk orang yang selalu we hang out with. But with a stranger, senior pulak tu, takkan nak guna 'aku'?


Kalau nak guna 'ana', macam mainstream sangat. That explains why I text them in eng.


Memang tak senang duduklah kan lepas tuh. Mesti orang ingat aku berlagak/poyo/poser or ape² lah. Pastuh aku teros buat karangan mintak maaf, inbox kat facebook.


He then told my friend that actually theres nothing to be mintak maaf. Tapi yelah, rasa tak sedap kot bila someone questioned something like that. Kalau betul selalu speaking takpe, ni tak pon. 


Up till now, I'm still awkward. End of story.


Bui-bui. Eh before that.


The June 8th story. It's my best friend birthday. Or maybe I should say, ex-best friend?. Shes someone that used to be one that I spent time with every single day. We play together, go to the same school, eating ice cream at our port dan banyak lagi lah bestfriend stuff yang kitorang buat.


But as time flies, after dia pindah, we don't longer keep in touch. She don't even text me to wish my befday.(and so do I) She simply drop 'happy birthday, Sarah' on my timeline like most people did. Shes now just somebody that I used to know. And to make some connection with this post, I also feel awkward in picking the right pronoun bila nak cakap dengan dia. I forgot, what do I use before this eh, saya ke aku? Yeah, this is not healthy. :(


p/s: I need a new bestfriend. 




Bui-bui (for real).